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Indlæg: 06 nov 2020 20:58 
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Junior medlem

Tilmeldt: 04 sep 2016 22:06
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Introduktion:
Jeg er en ung man i slutningen af 20’erne. Jeg har kun prøvet ayahuasca for et par år siden, hvor jeg tog til Peru ( https://www.psychedelia.dk/forum/viewto ... 46&t=52406 ) for at få lindring mod depression. I april i år begyndte jeg at mærke uforklarlige mavesmerter, som lægen i månedsvis tilskrev værende resultatet af ”irritabel tyktarm”. For et par måneder siden viste resultater fra utallige scanninger, at jeg har stadie 4 kræft; Jeg er på livsforlængende kemoterapi; Det bliver jeg på et tidspunkt immun overfor. Lægerne har givet en median levetid på 11 måneder fra nu af (Halvdelen af patienterne dør inden for 11 måneder); Jeg kommer statistisk set, sandsynligvis ikke til at fejre min fødselsdag, næste oktober.

Jeg har kræft i leveren, mavesækken (hvor det er startet), bugspykirtlen (en tumor på 3,5 x 3,5 cm), halsen og venstre skulder. Det er så omfattende, at lægerne ikke kan gøre noget, men anbefalede mig i al hemmelighed at selv-dosere cannabis olie, og tage imod livsforlængende kemoterapi. Oplevelsen i Peru har gjort det relativt ”nemt” for at håndtere det her, og hvor drastisk mit liv har ændret sig, på meget meget få måneder. Jeg har på mystisk vis ingen symptomer; Jeg har næsten ingen bivirkninger ved kemo. Jeg tager på i vægt i stedet for at kaste op og tabe mig; Jeg er det yngste kendte tilfælde i DK med sådan en diagnose (den næst yngste var 45 og det var ekseptionelt). Jeg har hverken tabt hår, skæg eller øjenbryn. For 2 uger siden løb jeg marathon på 4 timer, uden træning i et par måneder. De har aldrig set nogen respondere så hurtigt og godt på kemoterapi – Intet er efter lægebøgerne.

Kort sagt, Jeg lever på alle måneder fuldstændig almindeligt, velvidende at jeg måske kun har 11 måneder tilbage, selvom jeg ”sandsynligvis” kan slå det, mener kræftlægerne – ud fra hvordan jeg tolerer kemoen. Der er dog ingen overlevelseschancer.

Ayahuasca i Peru er den oplevelse der har gjort det nemmest at håndtere den her pludselige, livsændrende besked. Det var introduktionen; Her kommer mit første møde med psilocybin. Beklager, beskrivelsen er udarbejdet på engelsk.

[url]Introduction[/url]
4 or 5 years ago, I went the Peru; To a village in the northeastern part – Far out in the remote amazon jungle, to drink ayahuasca; The worlds most potent psychedelic – To combat depression. Previously – and afterwards – I had no other experiences with “drugs” or plant medicine – As I prefer to call these. Ayahuasca makes you take a deep, honest look into the depth of your soul and being; You’re able to view yourself from a third person perspective, and like your problems are someone else’s. It also makes you reevaluate your whole past. It provided me with an overwhelming sense of acceptance, unity, no sense of self, ego-death, near-death experience and horrifying visions taken straight out of my worst nightmares – All to teach you lessons, and how and why you need to change. Also, it cured me from depression, in those 10 days, with 4 ceremonies. The lessons formed my life in a massive way in the year afterwards - on everything from my personal relationships to my chosen educational path.

After all these years, I have wondered; Was it real? Was it all made up in my mind? Where’s the line between the two? Did I have temporary access to other levels or realms of reality? The fact that it is indeed a real “place” you go to on psychedelic, is becoming a more and more acknowledged hypothesis in science. Eventually, the substances made me undergo a real, tangible, measurable change. At least its effect is real. But was it a subjective experience in an objective world, or part of reality, usually off limits for us? Does it exist independently of my interaction with it, or is it just private hallucinations, lessons learned, patterns of thought and behavior changed, and not a part of a larger reality? How much more reality was out there that I had missed, while I was being limited by the small scope of my awareness?

A couple of years ago, I heard of microdosing – Taking a very small amount every second or third day, of either LSD or magic mushrooms. People claim that it helps with depression, PTSD, productivity, focus, clarity of mind and lots and lots of other beneficial effects. For years, I only read about it, as the science began to back it all up.

Speaking of science, eventually – I was recently diagnosed with uncurable cancer, at the age of 28, despite doing elite sports since I was a child. In pursuit of complimentary treatments, I realized that in the US, they give psilocybin in trials – The psychoactive compound found in magic mushrooms, to stage 4 cancer patients – People who are dying. In a recent study, 94% of participants who had a single dose of mushrooms said it was one of the top five most meaningful experiences of their lives. It also seems to completely alleviate fear and anxiety of death. Ayahuasca did that for me, but still I began to wonder, if this was an experience worth seeking out. The universe has a strange way of letting you know when you are ready for this. A few weeks ago, an old classmate of mine wrote me a private message; “I cured depression by magic mushrooms. It was a wonder-“drug”. Just a tip. Much love”. Another old friend seeked me out, and had just “come back” from a trip on the same substance aswell. He seemed different in a positive way. Eventually I could feel the psilocybin calling.

PREPERATION – SET AND SETTING

I’ll focus mostly on the setting here. I did it with 2 other people. Sorry, can’t mention much about them, as they prefer to be anonymous. The important thing is, I’d trust them with my life, and we have known each other for a long, long time. The next big thing was where we wanted to do it. Originally, we wanted to take it in nature. However, at this time of the year – those 4-7 hours it may last, can be a long time to be outdoors. I called someone else – Who I would consider to be one of the most empathic, compassionate, intuitive, loving and caring human beings I know. Eventually, the person had consumed psilocybin (/magic mushrooms) before. For future reference, let’s call the person “the tripsitter”, whose role was basically to be completely sober; Have an eye on us all the time; Ensure maximum safety, minimize difficulties that might arise and needless worries, and helping us with practicalities. Also, the tripsitter has a wide range of experience with meditation. The tripsitter invited us to his/her home, where a garden was available also, and there was no chance of being disturbed from outside influences.

I view psilocybin and ayahuasca (and LSD which I haven't tried), NOT as party drugs - I'd be way too scared of those; It's medicine, and a very, very demanding, challenging hard look into your own soul. It's going to get uncomfortable and overwhelming at times. I told the doctors who are in charge of my chemotherapy, that I’d do psilocybin. One said; "I think this gives you nothing that conversational therapy won't be able to". I looked her in the eyes, and said; "I suppose you haven't done psychedelics? This is 5 or 10 years of therapy in 6 hours - Everything will be presented in your face, and there is nowhere to hide". She did not answer. This is not unicorns and rainbows. My parents were as bewildered as the oncologists; Why did I want to do it? What about addiction? What about the risk of dying? All the usual prejudices.

THE VOYAGE – Is the time STILL 16:00?!?

Regarding the set – The current state of mind one finds himself in before ingesting any psychedelic, of course also played a role. The day before I spent a lot of time in the forest alone. I worked out at the gym. I watched comedy before going to bed, and only indulged in positive thinking. As soon as fear crept in, on what was to come, I swept it away. I fell asleep early enough to be well rested the following morning. I listened to James Brown on my way to where things was about to unfold. The 2 other “voyagers” – Those who would do it with me and the tripsitter (and the tripsitters partner) was there. We ate a light brunch together, before the mushroom was cut into pieces. We started off slowly, with about half a gram of Mexican mushrooms. It was chewed thoroughly, before we swallowed it. The taste was vile; Not nearly as disgusting as ayahuasca – I did not have to vomit before I had swallowed it, and neither afterwards. The taste is the price of admission.

For the next hour, we were all sitting in the couch, waiting, wondering, and a little bit anxious. After about an hour, all three of us felt nearly nothing. We ate a little more. And a little more. In total, I consumed 2,2 grams of Mexican mushrooms over a few hours. Slowly but surely, I began feeling a little buzz in the fingers. My perception was completely intact, while the two other voyagers began seeing sharper colors and a heightened attention to details in paintings, in the ceiling and in the floor. For me, it began as a very internal journey – The same was the case with ayahuasca, where I barely hallucinated. Also, when I turned my head, it was as if there was a latency on my eyesight; My sight adjusted half a second later.

This is where our journey was alike, and one that can be somewhat accurately described with words. What followed is in many ways impossible to describe, in the same way you can’t describe colors to a blind person. The main difference between ayahuasca and psilocybin is – According to my limited experience - that ayahuasca will make you ruthlessly confront your past and teach you lessons. As all three of us quickly realized; Psilocybin dissolves time. There was no past. There was no point in thinking of memories. There was no present and there was no future. There was an endless void, where nothing happened as we know it from our everyday, logic, problem-solving state of consciousness. Within about 2 hours, time seized to exist as we knew it. Voyager 1 said; What’s the time? Someone replied: “16:00”. Two hours later, Voyager 1 asks again; What’s the time?” to which he did not hear the answer, and completely baffled asked; “Is it STILL 16?!?” This describes it well. There was no chronological order of events. For this very reason, it is impossible to fully describe what happened; There was no sequences.

However, I’ll try my best. We followed the recommendation of listening to only electronic music; NO music which we had a prior relation to; NO music in languages we understand. Music did – as with ayahuasca, tremendously speed up the experience. Everything was funny to begin with. Voyager 1 asked if someone could tell a joke; Someone replied; “So, a guy walks into a ba….” – everyone cracked up before he came to the point. Soon after, I had immense difficulties in keeping up and following a conversation. I was so present that I could only hear and comprehend the word that was expressed NOW. I had forgotten how the very same sentence began.

Eventually, the fun ended. As I was laughing out of nothing, I’d cry. Before I was done crying, I’d be laughing again. It all shifted constantly – in a matter of millisecond. I had lost all control of my emotions. I was in power of nature. We all wanted a breath of fresh air. Voyager 1 and 2 was so fascinated about the trees, the colors, the sounds of the wind – Everything came to life outside. I was still not having any visual distortions. I gazed at a tree, and was smiling from the sheer beauty of it though. Half a second later, I was crying. Voyager 2 asked me; “Are you allright?”, to which I could only reply; “Yes, every time my mood changes”. “So, what is on your mind?”. There was nothing on my mind. There was nothing going on. I was just observing and being. Watching the leaves move in the wind. It was such a distilled existence. From the shifting of emotions between an overwhelming sense of sadness to pure joy, I sometimes felt everything – At the same time. There was no change; There was no separation between emotions. It was if everything I have ever felt, was present and expressed at the same time.

I wanted to have the same effect as Voyager 1 and 2. I ate half a gram more. My conscious mind took a sharp turn soon afterwards. Music was utterly fascinating. When I closed my eyes, I finally had visuals. They hit like a freight train. My emotions stabilized. I still had a sense of self, and where I was (unlike ayahuasca). My thoughts became more existentialistic. I began to wonder, if what I was experiencing was actually real and what real means; Is THIS the real world, that is mostly unavailable to our senses, in our normal day to day state of consciousness? Is this the express-train to an altered, heightened sense of awareness and consciousness?

The music I was listening to; Was the guy actually singing now? Or did I just hear it a second ago? Why do I know the next tone? Time disappeared. Sometimes I would hear what was NOT there. The millisecond between the drums in the song could feel endless. That fraction of a second felt endless. I was floating in the musical open void. If we only sense our being in the world through a past, present and future… Are we wrong? Does everything happen sequentially as we usually experience it, or am I experiencing the sheer, stripped raw version of reality now? It made no sense to consider cancer as something that will eventually kill me. In a sense, there is no separation between life and death. In a sense, I’m already both dead and alive. We view death is a sequence, and consequence – And opposition to life. While I was listening to music on psilocybin, I realized that there may not be such a sharp division; The division is only real because our senses and logical mind has to divide things into more tangible pieces, in order to function in the “normal” world. As the past, present and future merged, I laughed frequently; What does either mean anyway? The only importance is the now. What is. No wonder Voyager 1 and 2 could stare at a painting for 20 minutes, constantly noticing new, details, which they would never have encountered otherwise.

I remember I read somewhere – As part of the preparation; “What we ordinarily call "reality" is merely that slice of total fact which our biological equipment, our linguistic heritage and our social conventions of thought and feeling make it possible for us to apprehend. Psychedelics permits us to cut another slice”. I could not have said it better.

Either the music completely controlled my thoughts, or my thoughts controlled the music. I gave up on figuring out cause and effect. If time ceases to exist, does the universe render me, or do I render the universe? I knew I was on a couch, consuming a psychedelic; That I was me, but the separation of things became blurry. Where does things begin, and where do they end? Is there such thing as a beginning and an end? Do I have cancer despite than I am healthy, or am I healthy despite I have cancer? The problem with beginnings is “what was before that?”. There was nothing before anything. Does a bacteria understand the stock market? I gave up on figuring out anything about the nature of reality, and simply floated along. It was blissful and peaceful.

As the other voyagers had consumed way less than me, they began to return to “this” reality around 18:00. I had consumed more – nearly double the dose – over the entire day. My journey was peaking, while theirs was fading. They began to converse and I just couldn’t keep up. I asked to have headphones on and lie on the couch. Then it really, really took off. The music was alive. I was alive. And dead. Or somewhere in between. In the endless, open void, nothing mattered, and everything mattered. Cancer was completely allright. I was experiencing the pinnacle of what I thought was possible for a human being to experience and explore; An open, vast nothingness; No thoughts, no worries. The past, present and future had merged; “Present” may not be the best word, but it is the closest proximation; The present was also both the future and the past. Time (and space?) is not fundamental – Everything is connected in such a different way. The music became so visual when I closed my eyes, that the “normal” “reality” is way less real when I’m sober. The tripsitter “woke” me up at 20:58; Time for my chemotherapy pills. Time to come back to what we believe and perceive to be reality. “Back” seems inappropriate – Was I ever away, or even more present than ever before? I’m also tempted to write back to “life” at 20:58 o’clock. Eventually, I was living life the whole time. Possibly more than I have ever had – And ever will.

The tripsitter had made us burgers for dinner at 21:00. I managed to get one down, not saying much. I wasn’t contemplating much. I asked what time it was, and Voyager 1 jokingly said; “It’s still 16!”. We sat and chatted for a few hours – I began to understand what was going on around me. Immensely thankful for a peak look into something as profound as this realm or level of reality. Had my prejudices about “drugs”, gotten the better of me, I would have continued to buy into the mainstream narrative and propaganda, that psychedelics are dangerous and “illegal for a reason”, as my oncologists said. They are plant medicines, which must been used with utmost caution and respect. In return, they might teach you a lesson or two; how everything you think you know about the world, may at best be a proximation – And a thing or two about living, dying, and the blurry grey area in everything we perceive.

To say it was among the most profound spiritual experiences of my life would be an understatement of biblical proportions. On psilocybin, one may realize that we are a part of a much bigger reality, that is usually off limits to our very narrow awareness; Beliefs, preconceived notions, fears, desires, needs, wants and cultural biases hinders us. Are you willing to confront your lack of knowledge – Or what you consider to be your actual knowledge? To confront what you cannot directly perceive in your every state of consciousness? If you choose to do so; You’ll be rewarded.

The day after, I went for a 21km run in the forest. I couldn’t believe the colors of the forest. The life. The roaring silence. I had to stop running several times in order to take it all in. There was a deep appreciation for nature. Everything was a bit more alive, and I noticed tiny details. Forever grateful to those I shared the experience with; The voyagers; The tripsitter, the tripsitters partner; Those who have provided me with invaluable advices on how to conduct it. Would I recommend this to anyone? Of course. But please, please PLEASE do the proper research; Prepare well, think the practicalities through, and surround yourself with people you know very well and love. Eventually, you might realize that the world is a better place than you think.


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Indlæg: 07 nov 2020 08:23 
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Junior medlem
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Tilmeldt: 20 aug 2011 17:06
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Hej dalight jeg har nu genlæst din ayahuasca-rapport fra 2016 og din nye psilocybin-rapport og har set din terminale kræft-diagnose. Mange tak for at dele alt dette med mig og psychedelias samfund. Jeg ser dig; som en sensitiv, modig, kærlig, vis, og gammel sjæl. Der har fået det ultimative ud af livet, set sandheden, og levet fuldt ud. Det har, for mig, været umådeligt inspirerende at følge med dig ind i det tidsløse ingenting, som rummer altings potentiale. Jeg har lært rigtig meget omkring mig selv og verden ved at læse dine tekster. Mange tak for at dele din visdom med mig, den tager jeg med mig i mit liv som en stor berigelse. Når døden kommer så ønsker jeg dig en sikker og tryg rejse til den anden side. Jeg ønsker dig en god død. Din ven Shcrooms


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Indlæg: 10 nov 2020 17:15 
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Junior medlem

Tilmeldt: 04 sep 2016 22:06
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Tusinde tak Schrooms. Det glæder mig at andre kan få noget ud af det. Jeg er temmelig sikker på, at det ikke bliver sidste tur med psilocybin for mig - Der er stadig mere at opdage og lære.
Alt godt til dig,
Dalight


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